i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
