Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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