Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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