Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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