I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
this is an emotional support booty call
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
