we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
