so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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