Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I supernannyed him into submission
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
