i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
