i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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