i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
