Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
