And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
As shirtless as possible
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
