Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We left the knife in your bed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
