Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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