K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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