haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Come share oat with me in your robe
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
