I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
