Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
