When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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