ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
