Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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