Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
