Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
