So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
