Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
