it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
