I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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