Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
