I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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