i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
