Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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