I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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