pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
