we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
