I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
