fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
