Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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