just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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