Apparently you make a good broom.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
