I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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