i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
