Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
