this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
