my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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