I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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