My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
