Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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