Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
