He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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