I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
