Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
