tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
