This house was built for laser tag.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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