Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
